The Power of Active Listening

We all know what it’s like when we’re talking to someone and we can see that they are only partially listening to us.

 

We can see them formulating their response as their eyes bounce around. And perhaps their mouth is open to communicate that they are ready for their turn to talk. It doesn’t feel great. It makes us feel unheard and unseen.

 

But, even though we don’t like the way that it feels, the reality is that most of us communicate in the same manner. Most of us are not good listeners. And there’s a good reason why.

 

You see, listening properly, as in active listening, is a skill. A taught skill, not an innate skill. And this skill – which is fundamental for creating high quality relationships with our family members, friends and colleagues – was not included in the school curriculum.

 

And so, most of us walk around not really listening to each other. And the result is a lot of unnecessary arguing, costly mistakes at the workplace, and a general lack of connection.

 

So then, how do we improve our listening skills?…

 

 

Be present

 

If you are not present you will never be able to give your full attention to the person speaking.

 

You cannot be thinking about your lunch break, and whether you should order your favourite sandwich with white bread (yum!) or the healthier wholewheat bread, all the while your colleague is trying to brief you on an upcoming project.

 

So, every time you notice your attention drifting, practice bringing it back to the present moment.

 

And yes, that is actually what meditation is about. Meditation is excellent for improving our listening skills because when we practice listening deeply to ourselves, we inevitably practice listening deeply to others.

 

 

Maintain good eye contact

 

When we are thinking, our eyes will move around. There has been much research as to why we do this but the gist of it is that we do it because…

1.    We’re searching through our thoughts and memories.

2.    Looking at the subject or object of focus (the person talking to you, a car, a painting, etc) can distract us from processing our thoughts.

 

And so, when our eyes are moving around while someone is talking to us, it clearly shows them that we are not paying attention to them. Rather, it shows that the attention is on ourselves and our thoughts.

 

So, practice focusing all of your attention on the person that is talking to you, and you will see how your eye contact improves.

 

The result of strong eye contact is that the person will feel that you respect them, and so they, in turn, will respect you and want to pay close attention to what you have to say. So everybody wins.

 

 

Pay attention to body language

 

Sometimes we may be uncomfortable to say what we really mean or how we’re feeling. That’s why paying attention to the body language of someone that you’re talking to can significantly help you in understanding what that person is thinking and feeling.

 

It’s helps to be able to read between the lines because, as you know, the majority of communication is nonverbal.

 

 

Paraphrase

 

Paraphrasing is a powerful way to show others that you are following along with what they are saying.

 

From my experience, it takes a lot of practice though, so you may need to be patient.

 

When you paraphrase you are doing four things:

 

1.    By reflecting what you’ve heard the person say – and doing so in your own words – you show them that you were not distracted with your own thoughts, but were actually listening as they spoke. It acts as proof, I suppose.

2.    Paraphrasing helps you clarify that you did indeed understand them, and that you heard everything that they said correctly.

3.    Reflecting the words back to the person may allow them to reconsider their thoughts, thereby going deeper into conversation. This builds more trust. It also results in the person liking you more because you are adding value to their life by helping them navigate their thoughts.

4.    Reflecting the words and saying them out loud, helps you to commit the information to memory. This memorisation is powerful for paraphrasing later in the conversation. Or, it’s even more powerful, when you remember something that the person said and paraphrase the thought or idea in a conversation that takes place weeks or months later. Impressive!

 

 

Refrain from judgement

 

It can be very distracting when someone is saying something that we don’t agree with, or that may differ from our own morals and values in any way. In these moments there is usually a lot of internal shouting going on in our heads, and if we’re not conscious of it then it surely will be written all over our face.

 

So become less judgemental by:

 

1.    Being more self-aware in order to catch yourself when you’re being judgemental.

2.    Being empathetic towards the person (everyone views the world through a different lens).

3.    Learning about different cultures in order to become more understanding.

 

Final note…

 

When you listen to someone intently and therefore show them that you care about what they have to say, that makes them feel that what they say matters – that they have a place in the world.

 

And so, while active listening is a great way to build better relationships, it also allows you to help others feel good about themselves. And that is one the best gifts that you could ever give someone.